Regretting
by MeredithGreyShepherd
Summary: Derek regrets his decision of choosing Addison. SONGFIC
1. These Scars Remind Me

Yeah, today, I was bored and thought of this. I've been very very bored lately, with nothing to do. I've been getting only 5 hours of sleep. Yes. I need more sleep. Badly. But anyways, here's the fanfic. The song is called, "On the Way Down" by Ryan Cabrera. This story is kinda just drabble but oh well. Hope you enjoy it.

----Derek loves Meredith FOREVER----

_Sick and tired of this world  
There's no more air  
Trippin' over myself  
Goin' nowhere  
Waiting  
Suffocating  
No direction  
And I took a dive_

Derek couldn't stop thinking about Meredith. She was all he thought about at all times. Meredith. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about her so much that he had picked Addison already. But he couldn't help himself. He loved her.

When he had found out Addison had cheated on him, his whole life went crashing down. He moved to Seattle to get away from everything. To get away from her and all the memories of his old life. He wanted to start over and begin a brand new life. He had no idea he was going to fall in love with a woman that he met at a bar. The only thing he could think of at that moment was fate. Fate had brought them together. Fate had let them meet at the bar that night. Fate had let them fall in love.

They were meant for each other. She was the one who would bring up his spirits when he was down. She was the one who knew all of the little things but none of the important things. She was the one that he would confess his deepest and darkest secrets to.

Addison was his wife. Just his wife. Yes, he used to love her, but he has found an even bigger love. Another woman who would always make him feel safe. All the time. Him and Addison could never agree on anything. Derek would barely ever talk to her. They wouldn't even act as if they loved each other. And to tell the truth, Meredith was the only person he truly loved. Always.

_And on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you_

Meredith was the one who saved him when he was drowning. She was the one who was always there when he needed someone. She was the one who made his eyes light up every time she walked into the room.

Every time he saw her, he would regret ever picking Addison. All he ever wanted to do was hold her and tell her he was sorry and everything was going to be okay. But he couldn't. Not only could he not touch her, he couldn't act like he loved her. He hadn't ever told her he loved her. And he regretted that.

He wanted so much to tell her exactly how he felt about her. How much he loved her and how much he was sorry for everything he has done. All the pain he has caused her, he wanted to take all back. He wanted to make her feel loved again. Let her know someone would always be there for her and to let her know she wasn't alone in the world. To just let her know that he still cared about her and the if she ever needed anyone, he would be there for her. To at least just make her feel safe. But he knew she wouldn't listen to him.

_I've been wondering why  
It's only me  
Have you always been inside  
Waiting to breathe  
It's alright  
Sunlight  
On my face  
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive_

Every time he cornered her in a dark hallway to ask how she was doing, every time he tried talking to her, every time he tried to get her alone to talk to her, she would make up excuses to get away from him.

"I've got patients Dr. Shepherd." or "Dr. Bailey needs me." or "Cristina needs me. It's an emergency." or maybe, "Dr. Shepherd, I'm tired. I need to get some sleep."

She would always call him Dr. Shepherd and not Derek.

She would always avoid him and act like he wasn't there. And he hated that. He wanted to make her feel like she could talk to him again. He wanted to let her know that she didn't have to hide from him.

She didn't know, but whenever she wasn't looking, he would just look at her. Trying to remember what it had felt like being with her. Feeling the happiness run through out his body. Remembering how it had felt to love someone and them love you back. Remembering how everything about her was just so perfect...

_'Cause on the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you_

He remembered how she always used to smile when their eyes locked. Or when one of them walked into the room. Or how she would always laugh when he toppled her into the bed at night and began tickling her, how she would scream and try to wiggle out of his grasp. But she never could.

How when she smiled it lit up his world. And how it just felt right whenever they were together. And how she laughed at the stupid things he always did. And how she always smiled when she called him Dr. Shepherd instead of Derek when they were at work. And how she always made him feel like they were the only two people in the world whenever they kissed.

How when she smiled, one side of her mouth slightly went up into a mischievous smile. How they always joked with each other and were never too serious, when they weren't at work that is. He remembered how fun it was to sneak around with her without anybody knowing.

How their bodies fit perfectly when they were pressed against each other. How his hands had always found a place on her waist. How he loved just holding her at night, breathing in the smell of her hair. She didn't know but, he would lay awake at night just watching her sleep. How her chest rose and fell with his.

And how her face looked when Addison showed up...

How it looked as though her whole life had just collapsed. He had planned on telling her that night about Addison. He was going to tell her everything. Everything that happened between them, explain everything to her. Until Addison showed up and ruined it. Ruined everything.

And when Meredith asked him to pick her, choose her, and love her. He wanted to. But he just couldn't...couldn't let himself feel like he was giving up on his whole marriage. So he didn't pick her or choose her. But he knew he would always love her. No matter what Addison did...

_I was so afraid  
Of going under  
But now  
The weight of the world  
Feels like nothing, no, nothing_

So now he's sitting here, Meredith next to him. She's been drinking. A lot. He's looking out for her, making sure she doesn't do anything crazy. But more importantly, making sure she's safe. At all times.

She looks over at him then she gets up and goes out to dance, swaying her hips back and forth. He's just watching her from across the room, smiling. He forgot how amazingly sexy it looked when she danced when she was drunk. He just stared, not talking.

She wasn't smiling as she was dancing though, but trying her hardest to have some fun even though she's not with Derek.

She comes back up to the bar and asks for another shot. Derek watches closely as a man comes up behind her and puts his hands on her waist.

"That's what I'm talking about baby..." he whispers in her ear as she's swaying her hips back and forth. He's definitely drunk. Meredith immediately takes the man's hands off of her waist.

"It's not what I'm talking about..." she tells him.

He grabs her again and pulls her closer, tighter. "Oh, come on baby. I just want to dance..." he says in a husky voice.

"No! Get your hands off of me!" she yells at him, struggling from his grip. But he tightens his grip, not listening to her.

"Oh, baby. It's okay. I don't bite." he said.

"Get OFF of me!" she yells again, causing a little but of attention from the other people watching closely now.

_Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
Down, down, down  
You're all I needed  
Down, down, down  
You're all I wanted  
You're all I needed_

He's still holding on to her as Derek jumps out of his seat. He walks over to Meredith and the guy and grabs the man by the collar of his shirt. Derek's fist lunges toward him, striking him in the face. The man falls to the floor as he looks down at him.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER! WHEN SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED, DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER!" Derek yells, not caring about the numerous people staring at him.

He glanced at Meredith, who was just standing there, shocked. He stepped closer to her.

"Meredith...come on. I need to get you home..." he said grabbing her arm, pulling her out of the bar quickly. They walked through the parking lot, not saying anything to each other. Meredith started stumbling, more drunk than before. Derek caught her before she could fall to the ground.

He held her closely in his arms as he carried her to his car. He opened the door to his car as he gently set her down in the passenger seat. He ran to the other side as he got in. As he started driving, Meredith fell asleep quickly. As they stopped at a stop light, he stared at her. Her beautiful face. He reached over as he gently brushed the hair out of her eyes. He looked at her again. HIs eyes went downward as he looked at her hand between them.

He made sure that she was asleep before he reached down and put his hand over hers, squeezing it gently. He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles as he kept driving, using the other hand to stear the car. Meredith decided not to act like she was awake the whole time.

_And I won't forget the way you loved me  
On the way down  
I saw you  
And you saved me  
From myself  
And I won't forget  
The way you loved me  
On the way down  
I almost fell right through  
But I held onto you_

He reached her house as he got out and opened her door. He gently picked her up into his arms and carried her into the house. He walked up the stairs and into her room, setting her down on the bed lightly. He put the blanket over her as he stared at her body. He stroked her cheek before leaving her to sleep. He went home to his trailer. And had a restless night.

Thinking about Meredith. Knowing with all his heart that he could never love anyone as much as he loved and cared for Meredith.

_But I held onto you_

------

There it is. You know the drill.

REVIEW. The little tiny purple button is waiting for you. Ok, more like I'm waiting for you. But oh well.


	2. Ever the Same

Here's the next chapter for the fanfic. The song is "Ever the Same" by Rob Thomas. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. :-) Enjoy.

----------

_We were drawn from the weeds  
We were brave like soldiers  
Falling down under the pale moonlight  
You were holding to me  
Like a someone broken  
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now_

Meredith woke up the next morning with a huge hangover. She could barely remember last night. Everything that had went on at the bar. She remembered that Derek had punched someone and that he held her hand as he drove her back to her house. She remembered how good it felt to have him holding her again...

She went to work with a headache, taking Aspirin as she went. Meredith met up with Bailey as she found out she had a surgery with Derek today. Oh joy.

She met up with him in the patient's room. She hesitated slightly as she walked in, trying to avoid his stare. When they were done, they both walked out of the room as Derek grabbed Meredith's arm.

"Hey, hey, you okay? You seem a little tense..." he asked with a worried voice.

She thought for a second. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine...just fine." she tried to smile.

"Oh...ok...good." he smiled weakly as they started walking towards the elevator together. When they got in the elevator, they saw it was empty. They glanced at each other before they got in. Meredith stepped in as Derek got in behind her.

As the doors closed, she talked.

"Thanks for...taking care of me last night..." she said slightly nervous.

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down_

He flinched slightly as she said it but tried not to act uncomfortable. Meredith looked back at him.

"Oh...it was nothing. Really." he said, smiling as bet he could.

"But thanks anyway. I was getting a little too drunk..." she didn't laugh as she stared straight ahead.

"Yeah..." he agreed. The doors opened quickly as Meredith got out and walked away. Derek stared at her as she walked away. Until the doors closed. He sighed. Why did he always feel like he was regretting every single move?  
-  
Later, Meredith was at the nurse's station. Her phone started ringing as she looked down to see who it was. The nursing home. She quickly looked around as she found an empty closet room. She answered her phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi. This is the Seattle Nursing Home. Is this Meredith Grey?" the person's voice was a little shaky. Meredith started to worry.

"Uhh yeah it is. Is everything okay?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"Meredith...I'm so sorry...your mother passed away 10 minutes ago." the woman said, awaiting the worst.

_Fall on me  
Tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you forever in me  
Ever the same_

Meredith's heart stopped. Her mom was...dead. She just stood there, motionless as a tear went down her cheek. She slowly lowered the phone as she heard the woman still talking.

"Dr. Grey...Dr. Grey...are you still there?"

Meredith hung up the phone as she ran out of the closet, not caring about any of the wondering eyes that were following her every move. She ran towards the lobby. She had to get out. She had to get out now.

Derek was doing charts when he saw Meredith running by him, crying. He slammed his chart shut as he threw it down and ran after her.

"Meredith!..." he yelled as she burst out the doors of the hospital into the pouring rain. He quickly followed.

He ran faster as he tried to catch up with her.

"Meredith! Meredith stop!" he yelled again as he tried to grab her arm. She threw his hand back, furious.

"DON'T!" she yelled, tears now pouring out of her eyes uncontrollably. He grabbed both of her arms again, more firmly, so as she couldn't pull away.

_We would stand in the wind  
We were free like water  
Flowing down  
Under the warmth of the sun  
Now it's cold and we're scared  
And we've both been shaken  
Hey, look at us  
Man, this doesn't need to be the end_

Meredith started struggling again as she started sobbing more loudly, sniffing in air. He wouldn't let her pull away from him though as he tightened his grip on her wrists. He pulled her to his chest, holding her tightly.

"Meredith...Meredith...it's okay..." he tried to sooth her. But it wouldn't work. She pulled away from him in a fury, pushing him away, her hands on his chest.

"DON'T Derek! DON'T TRY AND COMFORT ME. Just go away. Please." she yelled, her eyes shining with tears.

He stepped closer. She stepped back away from him.

"Meredith. Meredith please. Just let me help you..." he tried stepping closer again but she put her hand up to stop him.

"NO! I don't NEED your help! I can take care of myself. I don't need you. Just go...go find your wife..." she told him. She turned quickly, running away again. He ran after her.

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down_

"Meredith. Addison is not the problem right now. You are. Just tell me what's wrong..." he said, following close behind her. She jolted around, making him stop dead in his tracks, preventing him to run into her.

"Derek! MY MOTHER IS DEAD! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" she screamed at him. Derek's heart skipped a beat. He breathed in a sharp breath of air as he stared. She looked away, covering her face with her hand. He stepped closer again.

"Meredith...I'm so sorry. I had no idea..." he regretted ever asking her. She started sobbing even more as he pulled her into his arms again, refusing to let her go again. She broke down on his shoulder this time, not trying to pull away anymore.

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same  
Call on me  
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

He held her tighter, placing his chin on the top of her head. He rubbed her back with the palm of his hand, trying his best to sooth her. They didn't say a word to each other. Words could not express how much he felt for her at this moment. And words could not express how much she loved his arms around her, or how much she was hurting inside.

She breathed in his cologne as she collapsed in his arms, not holding on anymore. He held her closer, not caring about anyone else in the world at the moment. Her. She was what he cared about. And loved.

_You may need me there  
To carry all your weight  
But you're no burden I assure  
You tide me over  
With a warmth I'll not forget  
But I can only give you love_

Derek pulled his arms away from around her as he rested them both on her cheeks, staring her straight in the eyes. A pain paralyzed his body as he felt his knees get weak and he could barely hold himself up. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't see the pain in her eyes anymore. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't bear it any longer.

He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips.

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same  
Call on me  
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

------

Well, there you go my loyal readers. Tell me what you think, and if you want me to keep going with the story.

REVIEW LOTS.


	3. There's No Solution

Ok, I guess this is the last chapter. The song is called "There's No Solution" by Sum 41. Here goes nothin…

**---Fate is fate. Don't try and fight it.---**

_maybe nothing else will ever be so clear  
or maybe that's only my fear  
if just for one day I wish I could disappear  
just take me far from here  
maybe I'd find out nothing new  
maybe I'd end up just like you_

Derek kissed Meredith lightly on the lips. He pulled away just as quickly, wondering exactly what he just did. They opened their eyes at the same time, staring at one another. Derek took his hands off of Meredith as she turned around and ran to her car, not saying a word.

He knew he couldn't stop her. He watched as she ran away.

_there's no solution  
give me truth to my conviction  
is my own confusion  
reality or fiction  
am I out of my mind_

He immediately got in his car and headed towards her house. His mind was racing and he had no idea what he was going to do. He needed to tell her how he felt. Maybe she would understand. Maybe someday she would understand what it felt like to have his heart torn out and stepped on. Again and again. And again.

He sped through traffic lights, breaking numerous laws as he sped through the city streets of Seattle, trying to get to Meredith's house as quickly as he could.

_this constant pressure that keeps hanging over me  
it makes me feel so empty  
it's more than anything that I could ever be  
what else could you take from me  
it's getting harder to relate  
don't want to make the same mistakes_

He pulled into her driveway. He ran up her steps and knocked on the door. Meredith was sitting on her steps, her head in her hands, crying. She got up and opened the door. Just as quickly, she saw who it was and slammed the door in his face. 

"Meredith, open up! Please!" he yelled through the door. No answer.

"MEREDITH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU." he screamed, waiting helplessly for a reply.

_there's no solution  
give me truth to my conviction  
is my own confusion  
reality or fiction  
am I out of my mind_

Meredith stopped dead in her tracks. She ran back and opened the door slightly.

"What?" she whispered through the crack in the door.

"I'm in love with you Meredith."

She shook her head furiously. "No...no..." she tried to slam the door again. But he was too quick. He thrusted his foot into the doorway, forcing it to still leave a crack in the door.

_it took me so long to find out it's right  
there in front of me  
too close to see  
what I thought was true  
I see right through what's killing you_

He opened the door more fully now, as he took a step toward her, meeting face to face with her tear drawn eyes and her chapped but soft lips. It was then that he poured his heart out to her.

"Meredith. I fell in love with you. The very first night we met at the bar. That was fate and we both now it. Fate Meredith. I wouldn't be here, on your doorstep, in front of your house, pouring my heart out to you right now if it weren't for fate. We met at the bar that night for a reason. We fell in love with each other. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with Addison." he paused.

"I will never stop loving you Meredith. Ever. No matter what Addy does or says to me, I will always love you. I will be here for you. And take care of you. I will be here whenever you need someone. I can be the person you come to when everything goes wrong. I _want_ to be that guy. I want to be the one to hold you, to kiss you in the dark. The one that will never ever let you down."

"These past weeks have been the most miserable weeks of my entire life. I can't stand seeing you with anyone but me. I can't stand seeing you with other men. I don't trust them. But I want you to trust me. I want you to feel safe with me around. I don't want you to feel as if you have to run away and hide from me. As you always do. I want you to know...that I will never break your heart again. I promise. I love you Meredith."

At that time, his lips were already upon hers, his hands searching for a place to rest on her hips.

And this time, she didn't try to pull away.

_there's no solution  
give me truth to my conviction  
is my own confusion  
reality or fiction  
am I out of my mind_

Meredith VO:

"The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, the da poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep away today's possibility under tomorrow's rug, until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better that sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

_maybe nothing else will ever be so clear  
or maybe that's only my fear  
if just for one day I wish I could disappear  
(am I out of my mind)  
just take me far from here  
maybe I'd find out nothing new  
maybe I'd end up just like you  
(am I out of my mind)_

------

THE END.

review please. :-D


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